Chapter: Consorting with One’s Wives

In this chapter the scholars discuss how each spouse is to live with the other. They set out certain rights of the husband and others of the wife—some of which have already been mentioned in the introduction to the Book of Marriage.

In sum, each spouse has rights over the other, so let each strive to discharge what is due from him or her fully and without short-changing. Even so, it is preferable that the one entitled to those rights not be overly exacting in claiming and scrutinising them. When both spouses observe this wise and balanced conduct, their affairs will run smoothly and their circumstances will be sound. But if each insists on demanding his full right while the one upon whom the duty falls is lax in giving it, the outcome will be a wretched life and a bitter companionship, ending in separation, the fracturing of families, and the withdrawal of the mercy the Prophet ﷺ invoked for the one who is “gentle when he settles a matter and gentle when he demands his due.”

Hadith One

Anas ibn Mālik reported: It is part of the sunnah that when a man marries a virgin in addition to a previously married woman he stays with the virgin for seven nights and then begins to divide his time; and when he marries a previously married woman he stays with her for three nights and then divides. Abū Qilābah said: “Had I wished, I could have said that Anas traced it back to the Prophet ﷺ.”

Overall meaning

Fairness in apportioning nights among one’s wives is obligatory, and favouring one over another is injustice. Whoever inclines toward one will come on the Day of Resurrection with one side leaning, mirroring his deed. Justice is therefore required in every matter within a person’s capacity and power. As for what he cannot control—such as intercourse and the emotions attendant upon love—this is beyond his reach, and Allah burdens no soul beyond its ability.

Among the obligatory aspects of allotment is what this hadith mentions: if a man marries a virgin while already married, he remains with her for seven nights to reassure her and remove her loneliness and shyness, for she is new to marriage, and then he apportions his time equally among his wives. If he marries a previously married woman he stays with her for three nights, as her need is less than that of the first.

This wise ruling is conveyed in this hadith, which carries the force of being marfūʿ (traced to the Prophet ﷺ), for when the transmitters say, “It is part of the sunnah,” they intend nothing other than the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.