the scholars—may Allah have mercy on them—state that “offering condolences is a recommended sunnah for the one who has actually been afflicted,” and they did not say that it is recommended merely on account of kinship. A relative may feel no sorrow at the death of his kinsman, whereas a distant friend may be profoundly grieved because of the strength of their friendship.
Condolences, then, are for the bereaved, not simply for the relative. Sadly, the scales have now been reversed: condolences are offered to the next of kin even if he rejoices and beats drums at the death of his relative. Suppose a man is poor and stands to inherit from his cousin—will he be distressed in such a case? More often than not, he is delighted and says, “Praise be to Allah, who freed me from his problems and left me his wealth!” Such a person should not be consoled; if anything, he should be congratulated.
The essential point is that condolences exist only to strengthen the sufferer’s patience and to console him. One must therefore choose the very best and most comforting words, and no words are better than those composed by our Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. Allah is the One who grants success.
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- Suhayb—may Allah be pleased with him—reported that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“There was a king among those who came before you who had a sorcerer. When the sorcerer grew old he said to the king, ‘I have grown aged; send me a young boy so that I may teach him magic.’ The king sent him a boy to instruct. As the boy walked along the road, he would pass by a monk, sit with him, listen to his words, and was impressed by them. Whenever he went to the sorcerer he would stop with the monk first, and when he finally reached the sorcerer, the sorcerer would beat him. The boy complained to the monk, who said, ‘When you fear the sorcerer, say: My family detained me; and when you fear your family, say: The sorcerer detained me.’”