Kindness toward One’s Children

Question: Praise be to Allah, we are committed to the true religion: we perform the obligatory and voluntary prayers, we fast the obligatory fast and additional supererogatory days. Our problem, however, is our father, who treats us in the home in a manner more befitting livestock—if not worse—even though we show him the utmost respect and veneration and provide every means of comfort and tranquillity for him. Despite all this, he treats us and our mother in the worst possible way: he never addresses us except with the vilest names of animals, he is constantly invoking curses upon us, and he reproaches us for our strong adherence to the faith. In addition, he frequently backbites people, carries tales from one to another, and persists in these behaviors despite his own praying and fasting. He is diligent about attending the obligatory prayers in the mosques, yet he has not abandoned this reprehensible habit, to the point that he has caused great anxiety and distress to us and to our mother. We have exhausted our patience and can no longer bear living with him in this condition. What is your advice to him, and what are our obligations toward him? May Allah reward you with goodness.

Answer: First: A father is obliged to treat his children well. He must employ gentleness when gentleness is called for and firmness when firmness is required. He should not be perpetually harsh, nor perpetually lenient; rather, as both a guardian and an educator, he must apply whatever approach is most beneficial at any given time. When he observes good conduct from his children, he should not be severe with them, and when he observes wrongdoing, he should apply a level of firmness proportionate to deter them from that wrongdoing. He must exercise wisdom with his children—this is his duty. He should neither treat them so harshly that it drives them away nor be severe without cause or justification. Instead, he must refine his manners with them, for they are the people most deserving of his kindness and compassion, so that they may grow up upon good character, sound religion, and wholesome customs.